Feeding Not Fighting

One of the main goals of therapy is to learn better ways to relate to our emotions, which in turn improves our experience of life. A primary concept that will transform your life is the notion of feeding not fighting.

Often the automatic reaction to uncomfortable or difficult feelings is to want to get rid of them. We want to fight them, wipe them off the face of the earth. Common tactics are to hate the feeling, imagining this will push it away; to ignore the feeling, wishing it will just go away; or to obsessively try to fix or solve the feeling. All of these tactics are ways of resisting the feeling. We are treating the feeling as an enemy. However, this antagonistic stance is not only ineffective but ends up fueling our pain. We get stuck and don’t know how to proceed. We exhaust ourselves trying to (unsuccessfully) defeat the “bad” feelings. The feelings I’m referring to include self-criticism, anxiety, depression and sadness, insecurity, anger, jealousy, fear, guilt, resistance, and more. Now I ask you this question: what is the best way to turn a vicious, neglected dog into a tame and loving pet? What is the best way to turn a forlorn, orphaned child into a thriving, bubbling little kid? You feed them. You nourish them with what they need. In these physical examples, you feed them actual food, you give them actual warmth and protection. You also would need to give them loads of unconditional love, playfulness, and a sense of safety. Our inner emotions are the exact same! In their extreme forms, they are either vicious monsters tormenting us or deeply neglected vulnerabilities that we are afraid will overwhelm us. They can be more mild botherations of course, but the same principles apply.

The truth is, trying to fight or ignore them away doesn’t work. What does work is turning towards them and feeding them with what they need. Feeding in the sense of nourishing, giving kind attention to, sending love towards, and basically giving what is specifically needed (if asked in a mindful way, they will tell you what is needed!) This might seem counter-intuitive at first, but will soon make total sense when you do it and feel the results. You may think, “Why would I want to feed my inner-critic?! Or my anxiety? Wouldn’t that just encourage it and make it bigger?” The answer is no when you are feeding it compassion, patience, acceptance, and friendliness. The reason we associate feeding an emotion with letting it get bigger and “badder” is because we don’t usually feed in the way I’m suggesting. We feed by obsessing on it and fueling it with anxiety, fear, and dislike, which does make it worse! That’s why it’s also important to notice the multiple parts involved in any given difficult feeling (see Jay Early’s interview explaining IFS therapy). That will take another blog post to go into, but suffice it to say that this notion of feeding not fighting will get you a lot farther in your personal growth and healing as well as in the world.